The Apricot Centre

13^th January 2012

IDENTITY

I didn’t for one moment think that I would be depressed during my first pregnancy! Christmas (which is never a great time of year for me) and being made redundant (a complete new lifestyle structure required), has contributed to me feeling really quite low. I have been a working person for fifteen years in quite high powered positions and the fact that I have survived two dysfunctional relationships and have been through some quite traumatic and difficult situations in my life have probably contributed to these current feelings. Through therapy and my current relationship I have found some understanding and forgiveness and thought that I had reached  a harmony with the past. However, the past obviously wasn’t done with me as pregnancy seems to be taking me through these experiences once again -. back to my original nature of my own birth. Its like the layers are being stripped away again as I regain a sense of identity and peace within and returning back to my original nature of soul. A kind of purging I guess !?!

Being someone who has been guilty of over identifying in the past, I also believe this is nature’s way of bringing me right back into my own skin in every way – mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. They say that things happen for a reason and if I hadn’t been made redundant then I wouldn’t be going through this  experience and work would (as work always has) distract me from myself and truth. Though challenging for Kenton as well as me, it has been a quite a spiritual experience.

The media tells us that being pregnant is one of the most enjoyable and joyful experience of one’s life. Well, for some it can be I’m sure. I do have good days and as I see things in the words of the popular children’s television programme:

We’re going on a bear hunt. We can’t go under it, we cant go over it – we’ll have to go through it!

16^th January 2012

DARK DAYS HOPEFULLY ARE OVER

The dark phase seems to have passed and I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I am about to enter into my third trimester, Christmas is out of the way and I can look forward with excitement and zest. Quite a different story form a few days ago! Though the previous mood prevailed for a good six weeks or so.

20^th January 2012

RE-CONNECTION

My energy is going into making our home as comfortable and warm as possible at the moment. I am finding it hard to fill my days sometimes but I  am also trying to rekindle friendships and connections.

Have been writing this post for ages each time I start on I it I have to deal with something else, then more happens and so on, so I have to write more, it’s all stream of thought, rather than logical, also have had time to edit and correct, anyway here goes:

Had a very tiring break over xmas, we visited anna’s parents, and that is usually a traumatic for both of us. We argued before we went and we argued when we got back Anna said to me after the visit that she feels she wants to rip me apart. Generally this ends in one place, Anna pushing to the point of a screaming argument, so for many nights I have slept in the spare bed, keeping myself disconnected. It feels hard to be apart from her, and I miss being in the same room as the baby. After the first Scan I have begun to visualise the baby and he has become a ‘real’ person in my mind.

I feel really tired, like the walking dead. Can’t get over how tired I feel like someone who has been asked to run a marathon, finished it then is told they have to run it again. She is going to show me some articles about how woman often have feeling of hatred towards there partner. I took some pictures of the toys in the spare room. In my mind I imagine them as hibernating creatures that will spring to life, once the baby arrived. I have taken some pictures of them they look more alive in the pictures, rather than lifeless as they are now.    

Had a screaming row with Anna at 1 in the morning.  She came back from London, I was doing some work for my MA, she was really angry with me, and I felt like I was having a mental breakdown.  Things have been better this week…. We talked, she explained it wasn’t me she was angry with, we went to Wrabness and I went off for a spa today, it helped me relax.

Have a hell of a lot to juggle at the moment, my MA, working on the house; work is a nightmare, researching on the baby, connecting with Anna.. Am entering a critical phase of my MA at the moment, and deadlines are very tight, I really don’t have the space to be able to think about it, that I should have. Went off to do my MA, came back with such enthusiasm but haven’t been able to have any time to myself to develop those ideas. It causing me to lose all creativity and motivation, I am not going to do well in this module. Anna keeps saying that she doesn’t feel connected to me, I have made time for this, but she doesn’t seem to want to make time to connect to me. She is at home she has finished work, she has time to be able to direct work at the house, something we agreed she would do when we bought the house, but she says I am not involved enough. I think like a juggler who has to juggle the balls in the air at the moment, just waiting for them to drop on me.

Anna is very depressed at the moment, so I do need to make time for her amongst other things , I have reflected on how depressing January is , the boy I saw who committed suicide did it this time of year, there were flowers again at the bridge. This combined with pregnancy, and finishing work, I can see why this is making her depressed, need to find time to be supportive, but must not let myself go in this, otherwise this will cause frustration for me and in the end I will take it out on Anna, so it will be counter-productive.

6^th Dec 2011 (19 weeks pregnant)

Dependency

I am questioning my identity and how my life has unfolded. Will I make a good parent or not? Will I even be good enough? At this point I don’t know and don’t feel very confident either.

I have officially been made redundant from my job. I am soon to reach 40 (well two years away) and have been a working adult since I was 24.The last time I experienced dependency was not healthy. In fact it was barely satisfactory. I grew up being a very insecure and frightened little girl who didn’t have the father/daughter relationship that she craved. In fact I felt ridiculed, belittled, undermined and bullied. It took me 35 years to even enter into a relationship that resembles functionality and trust. My earning money helped me provide a safe place to call my own where I could be myself (albeit only in my own company). So the thought of being dependent has brought up a lot of concerns and insecurities for me. Can I trust him? What if once he has lured me in he starts controlling me (the fate I bore with a previous boyfriend).

We have talked at length about my fears and I feel still feel a bit wobbly at times to once again be dependent. Kenton and I have our daily struggles – though we have a deep empathy and understanding for one another.

Thinking again about whether I will make a good parent or not……………….I am thinking that I need to change my entire mentality and outlook, the way I relate to others (especially my partner) and basically everything I represent in the world. Well I have 5 months to do this in. Do you think that is enough time to have a personality transplant? No it’s not really is it. So – maybe for now we will just have to accept the one couples  therapy session per week and hope for the best. I’ll keep telling myself that I just have to be good enough!

13^th Dec 2011

Nature/Nurture

I am very concerned that I will pass on some very unfortunate traits to my unborn child. To say that I was a terrible and difficult teenager is an understatement. I was actually very hurt back then and in a lot of emotional pain. As much as I don’t want to pass on dysfunctional and destructive personality traits to my child are these traits already engrained in our child’s DNA pre birth?  I have spent at least the last three 7 year cycles of my life coming to terms with a lot of my own traumatic experiences, pain and attachment issues and I fear that unconsciously I will pass these on. Part of me does actually think though that my child will be very artistically creative. I don’t want to say talented because in my experience, which may not be for everyone, talent comes at a very high price. How much will I project onto my child that is unresolved in me? Am I asking too much of myself? I guess the best I can do is show that I am constantly working on my issues and this maybe the best message to model!

15^th Dec 2011

Arguments

Arguments between the mum and dad – how does this affect the unborn and young/developing child? We seem to argue a lot at the moment and I worry about the affect on the child.

To add to what kenton has said. I had been monitoring my basal body temperature for at least 8 months every day and had taken a course of acipuncture to de-stress me and regulate my menstrual cycle. I am used to controlling things and did my best to control our conception but one of the biggest lessons at this time for me was to relinquish control, relax and ’let it be’. Not an easy feat! Well, we decided that life has to carry on despite trying to control a conception happening so we put an offer in on a house that was more of a project and needed alot of work. After a very rocky road of conveyancing we had a move in date. On this date the sale and purchase were set to go and I was ready to move then disaster struck! The purchase fell through! We had to move our stuff into storaage and stay with Kenton’s family. Well, all my fertility paraphernalia was in storage though I had a little idea as to when my fertile period was. My cycle usually varies between 28 and 33 days but now I was on day 39. We both thought I was pregnant and even recounted the fateful night! Anyway, my period came and the lateness was due to stress! So no thermometer or BBT chart, staying at Kenton’s parents and homeless! We went on holiday to Scotland and relaxed for two and a half weeks. On our return we went back to Kenton’s parents. The purchase problems were ironed out and we had a new move in date. We moved in to the house that needs loads of work and the day after I did a test and guess what! There were two marks instead of one! What goes through your mind when trying to conceive? You question your previous choices and mistakes and think that somehow you don’t deserve it. I had a termination earlier on in my life and i thought this was pay back and karma playing out on me that i will not be allowed to be a mum. We had the added pressure of the hideous ’body clock’ syndrome. Being 38 i am no spring chicken and the media certainly let ou know this. One weekend in the guardian i remember two articles on ’older’ mothers. One said that at 40 yrs of age you have 1% chance of conceiving (great!) and one said that you should accept a ’good enough’ partner to conceive much earlier then your 40 or so years! Two very discouraging articles! Well, I accessed various websites purely for reassurance that i was not ’over the hill’ to conceive and I realised I was accessing them often.
6 weeks pregnant
I feel so tired and unmotivated to do much at all, let alone all of the work I have to do! i just want to lie on the sofa!

We are finally setup. I wanted to go back to our earlier discussions with Mark when we both though anna was pregnant. It’s harder when you view things from a distance but I will try to give you my take on things. The process of trying to conceive has been a continuous flow of ups and downs. When we started I was of the belief that it would happen straight away, then when it doesn’t happen worry sets in, will it ever happen ? Then we both became sure we were pregnant and we wasn’t. It did feel sure, anna seemed to have changed, I could feel the difference, I felt different. She had a phantom pregnancy before and I wasn’t sure she was pregnant. But this time I did truly felt it. Desperation ? Then when we discovered she wasn’t I kind of gave up a bit..no maybe not gave of but thought this is going to take for ever. In fact didn’t I give up, I I in fact became a bit more determined I tried to make sure we have sex every day in her fertile period. I thought we really had to do or die. Then she had the pregnancy test and I didn’t believe it until the second one. In many ways I am still adapting to it, she isn’t showing yet. It’s weird we have told a lot of people (well Anna has) even though it’s not at that three month period. Most people don’t tell until then. But there would be so many complications with that. There are a lot of things that need to be sorted out between us, we act like kids a lot of the time, but we are going to have a real kid soon. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t be a father. I have such an idealistic view I guess of what a father should be how can I ever match up to those expectations ? I do know that the thought of having a little baby peering at me feels me with unlimited pleasure. Life without children would be incomplete. Is that selfish ? I don’t know, I do know I will try my hardest and I will really love our child so much.

I am sitting here with Kenton and Anna sharing stories of conception, and talking about how to blog. Lots of blog setup problems, but we are there now. Exciting to hear that Anna is now 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. Delighted that we are now up and running.

We are just discussing how a heap has happened since we last month. Kenton and Anna both said that they thought they were pregnant and knew which day it was. But that wasn’t the case. But now Anna is pregnant. I look forward to her posting her story of how she relaxed around conception and then it seemed to happen.

Thankyou both for sharing this journey with me.

A month or two ago I was visiting somewhere with Anna and I told her that I was thinking of doing a child observation as part of developing my skills around working with children, but that i didn’t want to do a traditional psychoanalytic kind of observation, but preferred to think of a more creative participative approach. Anna turned to me and told me that she was coincidentally trying to conceive a baby with Kenton and that she would love to do something creative with me. We asked Kenton if he would meet up, and i soon met them both in a pub on the waterfront as the sunset one warm evening.

It was good to meet with Kenton and to see that he too seemed intrigued about the possibility of doing something creative together, and we agreed eventually on a blog. I was concerned about being intrusive in their relationship and invited them to raise it if it felt difficult or intrusive at any point.

Kenton an Anna have been trying to conceive in recent months. And as we sat drinking together they both shared with me that they thought Anna may be pregnant. They are both going through a stressful time at the moment with complexities in house moves and we talked a little about what the effect of stress might be on getting pregnant.