The Apricot Centre

6^th Dec 2011 (19 weeks pregnant)

Dependency

I am questioning my identity and how my life has unfolded. Will I make a good parent or not? Will I even be good enough? At this point I don’t know and don’t feel very confident either.

I have officially been made redundant from my job. I am soon to reach 40 (well two years away) and have been a working adult since I was 24.The last time I experienced dependency was not healthy. In fact it was barely satisfactory. I grew up being a very insecure and frightened little girl who didn’t have the father/daughter relationship that she craved. In fact I felt ridiculed, belittled, undermined and bullied. It took me 35 years to even enter into a relationship that resembles functionality and trust. My earning money helped me provide a safe place to call my own where I could be myself (albeit only in my own company). So the thought of being dependent has brought up a lot of concerns and insecurities for me. Can I trust him? What if once he has lured me in he starts controlling me (the fate I bore with a previous boyfriend).

We have talked at length about my fears and I feel still feel a bit wobbly at times to once again be dependent. Kenton and I have our daily struggles – though we have a deep empathy and understanding for one another.

Thinking again about whether I will make a good parent or not……………….I am thinking that I need to change my entire mentality and outlook, the way I relate to others (especially my partner) and basically everything I represent in the world. Well I have 5 months to do this in. Do you think that is enough time to have a personality transplant? No it’s not really is it. So – maybe for now we will just have to accept the one couples  therapy session per week and hope for the best. I’ll keep telling myself that I just have to be good enough!

13^th Dec 2011

Nature/Nurture

I am very concerned that I will pass on some very unfortunate traits to my unborn child. To say that I was a terrible and difficult teenager is an understatement. I was actually very hurt back then and in a lot of emotional pain. As much as I don’t want to pass on dysfunctional and destructive personality traits to my child are these traits already engrained in our child’s DNA pre birth?  I have spent at least the last three 7 year cycles of my life coming to terms with a lot of my own traumatic experiences, pain and attachment issues and I fear that unconsciously I will pass these on. Part of me does actually think though that my child will be very artistically creative. I don’t want to say talented because in my experience, which may not be for everyone, talent comes at a very high price. How much will I project onto my child that is unresolved in me? Am I asking too much of myself? I guess the best I can do is show that I am constantly working on my issues and this maybe the best message to model!

15^th Dec 2011

Arguments

Arguments between the mum and dad – how does this affect the unborn and young/developing child? We seem to argue a lot at the moment and I worry about the affect on the child.

To add to what kenton has said. I had been monitoring my basal body temperature for at least 8 months every day and had taken a course of acipuncture to de-stress me and regulate my menstrual cycle. I am used to controlling things and did my best to control our conception but one of the biggest lessons at this time for me was to relinquish control, relax and ’let it be’. Not an easy feat! Well, we decided that life has to carry on despite trying to control a conception happening so we put an offer in on a house that was more of a project and needed alot of work. After a very rocky road of conveyancing we had a move in date. On this date the sale and purchase were set to go and I was ready to move then disaster struck! The purchase fell through! We had to move our stuff into storaage and stay with Kenton’s family. Well, all my fertility paraphernalia was in storage though I had a little idea as to when my fertile period was. My cycle usually varies between 28 and 33 days but now I was on day 39. We both thought I was pregnant and even recounted the fateful night! Anyway, my period came and the lateness was due to stress! So no thermometer or BBT chart, staying at Kenton’s parents and homeless! We went on holiday to Scotland and relaxed for two and a half weeks. On our return we went back to Kenton’s parents. The purchase problems were ironed out and we had a new move in date. We moved in to the house that needs loads of work and the day after I did a test and guess what! There were two marks instead of one! What goes through your mind when trying to conceive? You question your previous choices and mistakes and think that somehow you don’t deserve it. I had a termination earlier on in my life and i thought this was pay back and karma playing out on me that i will not be allowed to be a mum. We had the added pressure of the hideous ’body clock’ syndrome. Being 38 i am no spring chicken and the media certainly let ou know this. One weekend in the guardian i remember two articles on ’older’ mothers. One said that at 40 yrs of age you have 1% chance of conceiving (great!) and one said that you should accept a ’good enough’ partner to conceive much earlier then your 40 or so years! Two very discouraging articles! Well, I accessed various websites purely for reassurance that i was not ’over the hill’ to conceive and I realised I was accessing them often.
6 weeks pregnant
I feel so tired and unmotivated to do much at all, let alone all of the work I have to do! i just want to lie on the sofa!

We are finally setup. I wanted to go back to our earlier discussions with Mark when we both though anna was pregnant. It’s harder when you view things from a distance but I will try to give you my take on things. The process of trying to conceive has been a continuous flow of ups and downs. When we started I was of the belief that it would happen straight away, then when it doesn’t happen worry sets in, will it ever happen ? Then we both became sure we were pregnant and we wasn’t. It did feel sure, anna seemed to have changed, I could feel the difference, I felt different. She had a phantom pregnancy before and I wasn’t sure she was pregnant. But this time I did truly felt it. Desperation ? Then when we discovered she wasn’t I kind of gave up a bit..no maybe not gave of but thought this is going to take for ever. In fact didn’t I give up, I I in fact became a bit more determined I tried to make sure we have sex every day in her fertile period. I thought we really had to do or die. Then she had the pregnancy test and I didn’t believe it until the second one. In many ways I am still adapting to it, she isn’t showing yet. It’s weird we have told a lot of people (well Anna has) even though it’s not at that three month period. Most people don’t tell until then. But there would be so many complications with that. There are a lot of things that need to be sorted out between us, we act like kids a lot of the time, but we are going to have a real kid soon. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t be a father. I have such an idealistic view I guess of what a father should be how can I ever match up to those expectations ? I do know that the thought of having a little baby peering at me feels me with unlimited pleasure. Life without children would be incomplete. Is that selfish ? I don’t know, I do know I will try my hardest and I will really love our child so much.